Growing Pains

When I was a child,like most, I'd get pains in my body that my Mother would tell me were growing pains. Never in my small mind did I immagine that I could be an adult and still experience these pains but not in my arms and legs but in my heart, brain and soul.

I have seen so much personal growth in myself in the past few years. At 18 I thought I'd never find true love. By that summer I was engaged. I thought "this is it. This is the man I have found true love with and we are going to be married and maybe have babies." That being my first boyfriend in my adult life I set out to plan our life together. I was still very immature and not ready to be married. As quickly as we started it ended. I had given him my everything and ended with my heart broken.

I soon moved on and out of my parents home. I met another boy and this time it was not all hearts and kisses. He was very nice to me at first. Then when I was at my most vaulnerable, it happened. He hit me for the first time. It was a shock and he said he was sorry. I forgave him and moved on. Then the verbal abuse started. I cannot think of one aweful thing he didn't say on a regular basis. One night he'd been drinking very heavily (as was the norm for him) and he raped me. I felt so alone and betrayed by someone who, once again, I thought I had found love with. It was soon after that, the worst night of my life, that we split. I was devastated for some reason. I was alone and homeless. I vowed to not tell anyone and keep it all inside as I had to focus on survival.

I quickly made a few friends who let me live with them. They were angels to me!! It was about that time that I met my Husband. He was fun to hang out with and I just told myself this is a summer fling and I will just move onto the next one. Well, it was much more than a summer fling. I was still immature but he allowed me to be me and to grow as an individual. He saved me from myself in many ways. I let him in. We did break up for a whole 72 hours in the spring of 2002 but once we realized that life wasn't the same without each other we reconciled. By my birthday that year it was discovered that I was pregnant. We considered not keeping the baby and then I made the decision that come hell or high water, I was going to keep that baby. I told him he had two options at that point. Marry me and we are a family or walk away and not know the child and he'd be free of any obligations to me or the baby.

I am happy to report that he took option one! We were quickly married and time passed. I went into labor on November 5, 2003 as I was up extraordinarily late watching Finding Nemo on DVD. We were excited that the baby was comming soon and got to the hospital. After a long labor and some very distressing fetal heart tones, they rushed me into emergency surgery. First let me say if you are a nurse turn the oxygen on before you put the mask on a laboring womans face!! I woke partially while still in surgery. I could feel the tube down my throat and them taking the baby out of me. I tried to tap my finger just to let them know that I was waking and could they please knock me back out?! They did but I could sense something was very wrong.

I woke a few hours later to a Doctor telling me that the baby was very sick and they had to take her to another hospital with a NICU. Then I looked around the room for the first time and saw dozens of friends and family and they all were or had been crying. They let me see that baby before she went to the bigger Hospital. They also left me with poleroids of the baby and my husband. The next morning I felt like I was being babysat but that was ok as I was very groggy from all of the anestetic and the whole labor experience. Then the ball dropped. As I was telling my mother that the baby was getting the medicine and treatment she needed and that she'd come home in a few days, my mom looked at my dad and he disapeared. He came back with one of my Mid-Wives. They had to tell me that she wasn't going to make it. She had been strangled in-utero by the umbilical cord and had reamined that way for too long and that she had zero chance to live. I wanted to die. That was the day the world stopped.

The world stopped for about a year for us. We carried on and kept busy but none of it felt real. Clara Dawn passed away on November 7, 2003 in my arms and in the presence of total love and awe of life and death. We had amazing support from friends and family. She was baptised and released from her body in a peaceful setting. I miss her everyday and wish that she could be here with me but she is in my heart instead.

Time rolled on and Emily Jane was born (via repeat c section) on August 11, 2005 and we shortly after that moved to Arizona. By the time she was 6 months old we decided to try for one more. Rachael Elise was welcomed on December 19, 2006. They make my heart grow by leaps and bounds everyday. I cherish every second with them and love to hear their little laughs.

I grow more passionate for the human condition with each passing year. I have found and lost friends. Some even came back to me. I have kissed boo-boo's and made magic happen by making ice cream appear. I have learned so much in my 26 years. I continue everyday to have my growing pains. Some regretfully more painful than others. But I can see my growth as a person, wife and mother. I see my children take one more step daily towards being their own person with hopes, dreams and immaginations and one more step away from being my babies. I will never forget the joys of holding a newborn at 3 am and watching the world wake up, nor the smell of the top of a baby's freshly washed head as they sleep in my arms. I have learned that I can forgive without forgetting and the lessons I recieved form that experience. I have learned to fight with passion and grace and the ferocity of a mother bear. Most of all I have learned to dance like nobody is watching, laugh like nobody can hear and love like there is no tomorrow! Hold your friends and family dear as you never know what tomorrow brings.